Around Town: Fathers matter – VVdailypress.com
Posted: June 22, 2020 at 3:42 am
Males, who have long been branded as the dominant gender in our species, have been undervalued since Eve turned Adam in to a hapless co-conspirator in the downfall of humanity.
We have a reputation of being driven by our animal passions and prejudices. Females get the credit for compassion and reason. With few exceptions in history, wars have not been started by women in power.
America has changed dramatically in its view of fatherhood and the responsibility the title entails. The one thing that remains constant in our society, and among our species, is that the young need direction, training, leadership and nurturing from a parent to thrive and sometimes even to survive.
Sadly, we are all products of our upbringing no matter how hard we try to remake ourselves as age and reason overtake us. My mother, God bless her, was a product of a five-sister home in the 30s. Getting out and getting a husband was vital. A man in her life was a life-long priority.
She had five husbands and a few other long-term relationships over her long life. I had three half-siblings fathered by her first husband. Then I came along with husband two after World War II. In a sense, I consider myself lucky because as I grew up, I had several choices of male role models. Some were winners, some were not. I got the genetics of being a big, garrulous hard drinker from my Irish birth father who drifted in and out of my life until he died after a drunken fall at age 47.
Sensing my needs, Mother then found a genial, well-known fellow who was the pillar of the community to take us in. It is his name, Orr, that I adopted when I came of age because it became clear to me even then that there are sperm donors and there are fathers. Do not confuse one with the other. Fathers contribute. They stay. They help. They teach and lead by example.
Ray Orr was a cop. He and his family of two older brothers were icons in Ontario for their contributions to youth sports. I was immediately accepted as a "good guy" when I entered high school simply trading on the goodwill of my new last name. It was an unimaginable gift. Acceptance, belonging and mentoring all in one fell swoop.
Ray also gave me one sage piece of advice that helped me keep on the straight and narrow through high school and college, an era of "free love" and doobies. He sat me down and said, "Pat, dont ever call me from jail because no one is coming. You are responsible for your actions."
That is fatherhood in my view.
I had another cop involved throughout my life that taught me about responsibility and hard work. My mom worked for the LAPD at the old Georgia Street Jail in the early 1950s and became friends with a sergeant named Lloyd Lindsey. He was a go-getter.
He and his wife had a third child and needed extra cash. He chose to take his vacation and work at a food stand at the Los Angeles County Fair owned by a fellow cop. Lloyd was so intrigued by the food business that he borrowed some money and opened his own food stand the following year.
To work there he recruited people he knew that could be fast and honest. He asked my mom to work weekends. She was between husbands and brought me along. I cleaned tables and Lloyd gave me a quarter a day. I worked for him on and off all the way through high school and during college breaks. I learned a great deal about customer service and marketing your product. He always gave me more responsibility when he knew I was ready.
Years later, I married his daughter and Lloyd encouraged and mentored us in our first food concession business. That turned into his helping us investigate a fast food franchise opportunity, which led us to become a multi-store operator in the High Desert.
Lloyd Lindsey taught me to work hard, to live your dream and to not to be afraid of taking a chance on yourself. That is being a father.
Right now, you are hearing a lot about "systemic racism" in America. It would be nice to have an honest conversation about the state of fatherhood in the African American community. About 70% of African American children are born out of wedlock, while married couples of color are having fewer children than ever.
Unfortunately, it seems to me that well-intentioned liberals have designed a welfare system that punishes women who choose to get married to the father to their child. The rise in illegitimate births affects all races in America, but it is particularly apparent in the African American community.
Children from two-parent families are more likely to finish high school and get some college, less likely to commit a crime or go to prison and more likely to become productive hard-working contributing members of the community in which they choose to live. Why is it so hard to redirect some of the billions we have spent over the last 60 years on social programs for the poor to family building, which is proven to break the poverty cycle?
Is it a coincidence that prior to 1965, when the "War on Poverty" swung into full gear, the social stigma against unwed mothers resulted in most pregnant couples getting married? In the 1960s and 1970s, the culture changed. Moral values changed and unwed pregnancies began to skyrocket. Benefits for dependent children were created.
There is no question that money is a major consideration to the rise of illegitimate births. It is less expensive to cohabitate than marry. The marriage commitment also binds people legally to be responsible for minor children. Commitment to anything but self has become less popular in our culture as the decades have passed. Abortion is a normal option now for unwanted pregnancy, which makes irresponsible sexual activity by men and women an accepted norm.
Why does marriage make a difference? Studies indicate that there is a 39% chance of the family breaking apart if the parents are not married. That number plummets to just 13% for married couples. Figures can be manipulated, but the clear relationship between fatherless homes, poverty, crime and poor life skills is all too evident in our major cities. The poorest city in America, Washington D.C., also has the highest rate of out-of-wedlock births. Coincidence? This cycle must be broken to achieve real racial equality.
On this day, when we celebrate fatherhood, we must ask ourselves if we have the courage to stand up and recognize that part of the reason for the disparity in the progress of minority children is the absence of two parents.
When do we return to the social and moral pressure in every community to get fathers to simply show up and be a father? How do we help that happen?
This does not mean that a white picket fence and minivan are the goals for every relationship. It means we should help young girls and women demand the self-respect of a commitment from any man with whom they partner marriage or no marriage.
Just find ways to encourage every father of every race to stand up and show up. Be a father for the future of your children, if not for yourself. That would be a great Fathers Day gift for America.
Contact Pat Orr at AVReviewOpinion@gmail.com.
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Around Town: Fathers matter - VVdailypress.com
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