News'Missing out on hormone blockers has made me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in my testosterone-filled body'

Tuesday, 3rd March 2020, 11:50 am

Sonja is a 17-year-old college student in the West Midlands. She is a transgender teenager, and has been on the NHS Gender and Identity Development Service (GIDS) patient waiting list since November 2017. Here, she shares how she feels after discovering she will not be given puberty blockers, also known as hormone blockers, by the clinic for transgender children and young adults.

For the longest time throughout my childhood, I thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn't sure what it was, but it didn't feel comfortable. I couldn't understand it, which made me feel isolated, so Id play alone and enjoy my own company. My nursery teachers were concerned.

Fast forward a couple of years towards secondary school, I became more involved with the internet and the online world, and I started to learn the vocabulary for what I was feeling. I considered the prospect that I was transgender, and I thought, maybe this is who I am.

It took a good few years before I spoke to my my student support staff at my secondary school about my feelings. From there, they listened to me, and helped me create a referral to be seen by GIDS, the NHS's specialist children and young adults gender identity clinic, to consider my next steps. They helped me with external support through youth groups and various charities.

Missing out on puberty blockers

But two years down the line, I've received confirmation I will never been seen by GIDS, nor will I be given the chance to take puberty blockers. In December 2019, the December just gone, I received a phone call from a woman at GIDS, saying they would refer me to adult services, because I wouldnt be seen before my 18th birthday. Getting seen by GIDS, in short, is a mission in itself.

Being referred to an adult clinic, where I will not be offered puberty blockers, took me aback. It sucks because by the point of me getting referred in the first place, to get puberty blockers, took so long I had gone through most of my puberty anyways. I already have the effects and it sucks.

Ive had to come to terms with the fact that part of my transition will require significant amount of surgeries, invasive and not. Because the blockers won't put a pause on my puberty, I will enter adulthood tasked with feminising my "male" characteristics.

To alter from just my neck upwards, theres probably around five facial feminisation surgeries, including the reduction of my jawline, rhinoplasty, and a tracheal shave to reduce the size of my Adams apple. Those surgeries are specifically to remove the effects that male puberty has had on my body.

From what I understand of the process, some surgery is considered to be cosmetic, with tracheal shave (reduction of the Adam's apple) and facial feminisation surgery seen as this by the NHS. As it stands, there's only one surgery, gender reassignment surgery, that is usually funded by the NHS.

Constantly painful

If someone told me I was lucky not to have gone on hormone blockers I would struggle to put into words how wrong that is. Missing out on hormone blockers has made me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in my testosterone-filled body. Its like wearing a pair of shoes with rocks inside them. It's constantly painful, you never forget its there and you cannot take the rocks out.

There are times when Im on the verge of harming myself and I cry alone. Its like sitting in the library at college but constantly looking over my shoulder, hyper-aware of whether people are talking about me and whether someone is going to attack me. I have regular panic attacks which are getting worse. I struggle to sleep because theres so much going round in my head. Every minute of the day I struggle with negative thoughts.

I know there are people who say I should just make peace with my body. Its not like changing your hair colour or weight, its so much deeper than that. I know there are people who cant change their bodies but this isnt about trying to change the way I look for vanity its trying to live as the woman I am.

I am constantly afraid of being attacked on street. Its not a question of wanting to pass" as a woman, its about longing to feel safe. Throughout my transition, I have always been tentatively cautious. Ive always been mindful, am I doing this for me, or am I doing it to fit some societal expectation of what a woman looks like? Through every step of my transition, I have taken a step back and evaluated my situation. I want to do whats comfortable for me, and me alone.

I will never be seen by GIDS after years of waiting. The right to enjoy my life as who I am has been disregarded and taken from me. I cant feel comfortable who I am, and fully experience my young adult life because of my trans status and physically who I am. If I could have started it earlier, and reaped the benefits of puberty blockers, I would be in a much better situation than I am now.

'I regret not having access to blockers'

Throughout my entire transition, I have sought a lot of support. Its a lot to deal with. Im so thankful that there are amazing support networks and charities like Mermaids with dedicated helplines. Samaritans are great for general mental health issues. I would encourage anyone who needs support to go and seek help, and have that support in place.

I just want to specifically reiterate and reinforce that it is important for there to be a judicial review. But people need to be mindful that their situation, if it is unusual, where someone might seek a reversal, or feels uninformed, might be the rarity, and to not harm the wider community as a whole.

I know theres a lot of debate at the moment about hormone blockers and regret but nobody is listening to people like me. I cant put into words how much I regret not having access to blockers and hormones. Theyre a necessary requirement for me to comfortable live my truth and the fact that Im still not being given that opportunity has such a negative impact on my psychological well-being.

Tavistock, representing the NHS's Gender and Identity Services clinic (GIDS), has been approached by i for comment.

Read the rest here:
'I'm trans, and I've waited since 2017 to be given puberty blockers. Now, I've been told it's too late' - inews

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